What is it that causes some memories to firmly tuck themselves inside your brain but lets others skip right on out the back door without a second thought?
If it wasn't for the diaries I found from my teenage years, a lot of this stuff would be gone forever.
But not all of it.
It feels like it was ages ago, but in fact, it was 25 years ago. Shouldn't this be similar to the narrative of The Wonder Years? How crazy would it be if you could actually look back and narrate your life.
1996
15 year old me was boy crazy.
I swear I was "in love" with a different boy on a rotating monthly basis.
I'm not even lying. I spilled my guts all over these pages with a heart as fickle as my colored pen choice was. (and I switched between colors quite often)
15 year old me was surprisingly detailed. I kept notes on conversations, the daily drama, telephone calls, what we did at lunch time and what we did when we were supposed to be spending the night at other friends' houses. (sorry mom and dad if you're reading this - I was REALLY good for the most part ;) I must have hid these diaries pretty well too because there's some VERY incriminating evidence I have on a lot of others.
15 year old me had hormones that were allllllll over the place. (I think we all did) My emotions were a literal roller coaster. My head did not seem to be on straight. Our friend group traded boyfriends/ girlfriends back and forth like you trade music recommendations. Was anyone exclusive? I don't think so.
15 year old me had so many vivid dreams - and I seemed to write about every single one of them.
So, in saying all that, (in SEEING all of this from a 40 year old perspective), I don't know if I'm proud of this or still a little shocked that I can admit it but - here are the things I would tell my 15 year old self, if I could write a page in these diaries and send it back in time to 1996/1997/1998/1999
Dear Me.
Thank you for writing all this daily stuff down in such great detail because when you're 40, you're not going to remember these details. Some of them give me warm fuzzy feelings and others - just make me cringe in regret.
You have to chill on the boy crazy stuff. I mean, thinking someone is cute is one thing. What I'm seeing from your diary is like, obsessing over a different boy each month. I mean, I can literally read and see you switch your interest from one boy to the next as the month changes. Some don't even hold your interest for the entire month. I don't know what you're trying to do but THIS will not prepare you for the future. Figure out what you like and keep that tucked away in the back of your mind. Your future husband will be better than all those little crushes you're going through now.
Oh and that one guy that your attention keeps pulling you back to after all those crushes fizzle out, is pretty much your best friend. But that's it. Nothing more, there is an age difference now so you really need to be okay with just being his best friend. A lot of people will assume you are more than just friends because Yes, y'all are very close, and it's very noticeable. Y'all both wear your feelings on your sleeves. Y'all are going to do a lot of fun stuff, have MANY deep conversations, spend a lot of time alone together, make up your own silly sayings.. You'll hug (a lot), you'll both really be there for each other because all in all, you're together, but, you're having boyfriend/ girlfriend relationships with other people. Remember, y'all love each other as best friends do. Anything more will just be confusing. You're not ready for that.
You talk on the phone a lot, and that's cool, because in this day and age, it seems like no one wants to talk on the phone anymore. They just want to text or send messages, which is SUPER impersonal. You're getting all the good stuff by staying up until 2 or 3 AM talking on the phone with all your friends and keeping all their secrets.
Oh, that friend group you're really tight with will stick around until you finish high school, but you'll all go your separate ways because life takes us different places. You'll make new friends at each stage in your life and eventually, this thing called social media will come out and you'll be able to reconnect with all those high school best friends again. Don't be sad if you see them later in life and they don't act the same as they did when y'all were REALLY close - people change. You're going to change, too. It's part of growing up.
A night is coming where everyone is going to be doing lemon drop shots - definitely won't be your shining star moment but it will give you an aversion to Vodka so that's not entirely bad.
You're not fat. Not even a little bit. Sure, you could eat better things and be a little more active but wear that bikini while you still can.
Your parents DO mean well. I know it's tough now but they have a couple more years of experience under their belts. I'm actually right between the ages they are now and I'm telling you, outside perspective is a whole lot different than you think. And those things you THINK they don't know - they do - stop being sneaky. Trust me, they know.
Stop being a jerk. Just because you're a teenager doesn't give you a free pass to act like a brat. Listen to them. Don't stay in your room all the time. Hang out with them. They just want to spend time with you. They only have you under their roof for 17 years before you strike out on your own and try to conquer the world. Which, by the way, will be harder than you think.
Have fun. Do not focus too much on what others think of you - none of that will matter soon.
I'm sure there's more but time to go do adult things like make dinner - try to help your mom with that too every once in a while because when you move out, you'll have to call her for instructions on how to do pretty much everything.
Peace, love and whatever else you crazy kids say in the 90s,
Me.
